#etiquette

#etiquette

Ever notice how some people have this almost magical ability to call at just the right moment? While others seem to have a knack for catching you mid-bite of a sandwich, during your favorite show's climax, or right when you're finally getting the baby to sleep? The difference often comes down to five simple words: "Is now a good time?"

My husband and I were on a road trip, pit-stopping in a couple of cities. One of my girlfriends asked if we could meet her for lunch, and we obliged. When the bill came, my husband paid for himself and me and left the remainder of the tab for my girlfriend to pay. She seemed surprised. We had never said out loud how we'd handle the bill, but frankly I was a bit surprised, too.

Surely you must have been wide awake enough to notice that the person who delivered your peanuts on an airplane was sometimes male, and that another male sometimes took your order at the local eatery. Yes, various jobs are no longer gender-specific. Miss Manners would be sorry to think that retirement had left you oblivious to the dynamics of life, which, indeed, lexicographers must follow. You may not always like the way the world evolves, but to deny it is to condemn yourself to social stagnation.

In the heyday of cocktail parties, it was no secret that guests who went after the munchies could skip dinner. There was always a soft murmur going on, with one half of a couple telling the other half not to expect a meal at home after the party. To avoid excessive lingering, the closing hour not a standard feature of other invitations was, as you note, stated explicitly.

GENTLE READER: Normal? Yes. Acceptable? No. As their parent, you have the obligation, in Miss Manners' opinion, to tell them that you find this embarrassing. When they inevitably plead that everyone does it, you maintain that that argument did not hold water when they were 11, and it does not now. If you do not get ahead of this, they will go on to do far worse for other milestones (housewarmings, engagement parties, weddings) where this kind of begging is considered even more normal. And as a possible host or co-host of these events, your own involvement is more direct and therefore even more embarrassing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a choking incident at the office today when I inhaled a cherry tomato. One of my direct reports did the Heimlich maneuver and helped loosen it, and then one of the guys from another department joined in to keep the tomato moving. As I recovered, a secretary from down the hall put a cold compress on my neck and forehead. I want to thank them, but don't quite know the right thing to do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently attend team lunches and dinners with my immediate department members, both supervisors and associates. These dining experiences are mostly personal affairs and come after a week of hard teamwork. We work in an industry where we will be in one location for a few months, and then move on to another city. We all get along and have each other's back.

It's a very easy date to miss altogether in the shadow of December and New Year's celebrations. Growing up, I often received combo holiday and birthday presents. I was taught to thank relatives and friends and not complain that it wasn't fair. Nowadays, an e-card can be scheduled for auto-delivery to someone's inbox months in advance, so it's not even necessary to remember someone's birthday.

When the holidays come around and I am shopping for gifts, I look for things that remind me of them and of conversations we've had. Gifts, to me, are not a chore and not an obligation. If I get a thank-you card, it is nice, but I do not see any obligation on their part to send me one. I got my reward already.

While she appreciates the adoration and deplores the incoherent instruction you received, Miss Manners feels compelled to point out that for all the possible responses you suggest, you omitted the obvious one: apologizing. They asked you to attend or at least to tell them if you were unavailable and you failed to do so. They made that difficult and expressed themselves inarticulately, but you knew what they meant.

GENTLE READER: What house were you in? Sorry, just a little joke from a school where they learn to avoid that tedious conversation by answering Where did you go to college? with In the northeast. But your questioners are also asking about test scores? Miss Manners would be unable to resist asking incredulously, Do you even remember your old test scores? And if they say yes, you can say, Well, you must be really smart. Without adding and must not have a life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have long been troubled by the carol We Wish You a Merry Christmas, specifically the intimation that if we don't give the uninvited guests their figgy pudding, they won't go. How are we to address this request? I don't want to be ungrateful for their wishes, but think that their insistence is a bit beyond what is considered polite and reasonable. Can you advise how to proceed? GENTLE READER: What was that?

I was in line at a busy cosmetics store. The line wasn't moving very fast when the woman behind me asked me to save her place: She said an employee had forgotten to give her something, and she had to get it. I was approximately fifth in line and there were at least that many people waiting behind me. I told her no but before I could explain why I wasn't comfortable holding her place, she called me rude.

I have spent the last year in phone calls with him listening as he has slowly forgotten where I live (I moved here 30 years ago), what I do for a living (the same job for 27 years), and, sometimes, what we talked about five minutes earlier. I am going to see him because it may well be the last time I do so while he still remembers me.

Although hosting friends and family for the holidays can be fun, there's no denying that doing so also comes with its fair share of stress. Without proper planning, things can even get chaotic. To avoid making etiquette mistakes in the process, Business Insider asked two experts to share the top mistakes they see people make when hosting. Here's what they said.

When I learn that an acquaintance supports stripping my rights away, I distance myself from them. Because of this, I've received some comments like, It's such a shame that you can't even be friends with me because we disagree on politics.

I cannot find a single reference to it in any etiquette book. It seems a bit pretentious to me, and I have always wondered if, in fact, it is really correct to use the term. GENTLE READER: Pretentious? Miss Manners would think the opposite, as it tells you that the sender made an extra effort. And also perhaps that the sender does not trust the postal service.

My signature perfume is a well-known and expensive classic scent. For my last birthday I received not one, but two generous gifts of this perfume: one from a dear lifetime friend and another from a beloved cousin. Both live a long distance from me; we rarely meet face to face. The problem is, both were knockoffs. I know this scent well, and the fake bottles were easy to detect.

"If you're meeting at a restaurant and the [reservation] is at 8pm, you have to be there five minutes before that, but if the party is in someone's home, I think you should be fashionably 10 minutes late," says etiquette consultant Patricia Maybury (theetiquettesuite.ie). Any earlier, and your host may still be frantically finishing their make-up or chopping up lemon slices.

I got married at an early age, but the marital bliss was short-lived as my wife died a few years later. That was 20 years ago, and I have since built a new, happy life for myself. In this new life, I have never had any desire to embark on another long-term relationship, let alone remarry. I enjoy being on my own, although I consider myself to be quite sociable. I have a group of good friends, who provide excellent company whenever I want it.

We tried to work with many different animal shelters and rescues, but it just did not work out for us to go that route. We also did a lot of research on getting a dog from reputable breeders, but we couldn't afford any of them. We ended up purchasing a dog from what some would call a backyard breeder. She was a lovely woman, with beautiful, healthy puppies and reasonable prices.

Everyone knows that washing machines and dryers eat socks, although rarely in pairs. The minute you leave the laundry area, the appliances are gurgling with laughter as they envision you left holding a mateless sock. So it is not only unjust but unamusing to accuse other people of such a ridiculous crime (or any other). You could ignore the post, safe in the knowledge that no one will really believe you to be a petty thief.

Your final exclamation suggests that you doubt your own assessment that anyone could be so irrational as to blame you for their mistake. But Miss Manners assures you it is actually a common which is not to say acceptable reaction in such situations. The correct way to react to being mistaken for someone else will depend on the other person's behavior. It is an embarrassing situation for them, so if they make a genuine apology, help them out by accepting the apology quickly and changing the subject.