It's not just what we say to them directly that they're absorbing; it's how we talk about ourselves and others, what we say to others about them and how we behave, too. We asked experts what sorts of things children pick up on that adults don't always realize they're noticing. This list isn't designed to be judgmental; rather, it's a reminder that we can all bring a little more awareness to our day-to-day interactions.
Every year, I leave my home - and my kids - behind for a short time to travel to Japan alone. The distance, both geographic and cultural, gives me enough space and time to live authentically: to be the curious explorer, the immersion-based language learner, and the person I am apart from being "Mom." As an introverted parent, these solo trips aren't just a luxury - they're fundamental to my well-being and actually help me be a better mother.
Annie Ernaux, winner of the 2022 Nobel Prize in Literature, begins her memoir, The Other Girl, written in the form of a letter, with a description of a photograph of an infant in an embroidered dress. The description ends with these startling words: "When I was little, I believe-I must have been told-that the baby was me. It isn't me, it's you." (Italics mine.) 1
On the surface, my own childhood certainly looked idyllic. My dad worked, and my mom stayed home. I did well in school. I was involved. If I expressed interest in an activity, my mom signed me up. She schlepped me around town, to games and competitions, to art classes and orchestra practices. I stood out academically; my report cards always read "a pleasure to have in class." I was a rule follower by nature, seemingly clinging to the order and structure that school offered me.
A spoiled kid is one who thinks and acts like the world revolves around them. They're used to getting what they want, when they want it - and if they don't, they'll throw a fit until they do. They show little to no appreciation for what they have and expect others to cater to them, often without contributing anything in return.
My 3-year-old daughter's best friend at day care is a boy. They have been together since they were little babies and are inseparable. His family and some of the nursery staff have encouraged the idea that they are boyfriend and girlfriend-when we went to his birthday party, even his extended family said, "Oh you're Sally's mom, his little girlfriend!" I know this is fairly common in the way people talk about children, but it's something I think is creepy and weird.
When I was 11 years old and expressed an interest in writing plays, my father was on it booking theatre tickets, driving me to Parramatta Library to borrow scripts and giving me a portable typewriter for my 12th birthday. Soon after, when my teenaged sister mumbled an interest in genetics, we all found ourselves in a university lecture hall for a public talk on the subject.
Let's talk about meltdowns and temper tantrums. Arms flailing, feet stomping, the full body drop-to-the-ground moment. For toddlers, the image is all too familiar. For those of us who have older children, we take a sigh. But are tantrums just for toddlers? No, they aren't. The tantrum meltdown isn't just for kids. It's also an experience many teens, young adults, and adults experience on the regular. They just look a little different now. Let me explain.
"We can't receive from others what they were never taught to give." ~Unknown When I was younger, I believed that love meant being understood. I thought my parents would be there for me, emotionally and mentally. But love, I've learned, isn't always expressed in the ways we need, and not everyone has the tools to give what they never received.
My grandmother strove for perfection, convinced that it was an attainable goal if only you worked hard enough. This meant eating less to lose weight. Food deprivation became a family bonding activity when my grandmother was on a diet. Diets lasted decades. We had marathon cleaning weekends while friends went to the mall. Play clothes were swapped out for school clothes for our rare trips to Burger King.
It's hard to know when to ask permission from other kids' parents. Do you text them about whether their kid can eat sugar? Whether they can see certain TV shows? Wether they can jump on a trampoline? It's hard to know when kids have allergies or limitations, but you also don't want to bug a kid's parents about every little thing. However... when it comes to giving kids medicine and medicinal items... you'd think you'd call or send out a little text before dosing a kid in your care, right?
First, Culkin pointed out that his sons can watch Disney Channel classic sitcom, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, which starred his now-wife, Brenda Song, and the kids totally get it. "I'll put it on. Brenda hates it, but I'll put it on ... They're like, 'Yeah, that's mama.' So they get that. But when they see Kevin, they always just call him Kevin. Because the illusion's still there," Culkin began.
He said his dad had put a bar of soap in his mouth for calling him an asshole after my husband threw water on the dog for getting into the garbage. I am furious. My husband says his mother used to do the same thing to him and his sister for bad language when they were kids so the punishment was appropriate.
My wife "Anna" and I have a 3-year-old daughter, "Bree," who is terrified of dogs. Four months ago, my in-laws adopted a little ankle-biter mutt that barks and nips at anyone who isn't them. The last time we visited, Bree was so scared we had to take her home. Now my in-laws are insisting on bringing the dog with them when they come for Christmas. I don't want Bree to be terrified during what should be an enjoyable time for her.
Recently, I came across this post on the popular Ask Reddit page from user ViolatingBadgers that I thought was too cute not to share. In it, they asked people "who grew up in emotionally healthy families" to share "something you thought was normal growing up that you now realize was actually very special." The results were so wholesome and such a positive read that I thought they had to be shared. So, here are some of the best:
I have a daughter and a son, and I don't want them to ever think like, 'Oh, Mommy's insecure,' or, you know, like, 'My mom doesn't like...' I always want them to think I'm happy with myself and, like, because they get their self-esteem from their parents, you know. So yeah, it's important to me to, like, show up with confidence,
My spouse "Jaime," like their entire family, has naturally perfect teeth. I am not so genetically blessed, and if I hadn't had heavy-duty braces from fifth through eighth grade, my teeth would be horrifically jacked-up. Our 10-year-old daughter, "Sara," unfortunately seems to have gotten her teeth from my side.
As a divorced mom, one of the hardest parts of the holidays is facing Christmas morning knowing that I will not have presents under the tree unless I buy them and wrap them for myself. And as my kids get older, they've started to notice that I'm not unwrapping much on Christmas morning. But while they're old enough to want to shop for me, they're not old enough to go out and do it by themselves.
She had been out to dinner - on a party bus! - with other moms for a good friend's 40th birthday party. In the meantime, the kids had a ball with their "hands-on 'Super Dad,'" Stephanie explains. Nick took the kids - Gwen, 10-year-old Clayton and 3-year-old Penelope - out for dinner, milkshakes and a movie. Gwen wrote about discovering her mom back home in the morning. "When I awoke, I was shocked!"
After a run-in with a new coworker at the laundromat, Cass (Asia Kate Dillon) has a drunken hookup with Kalli (Louisa Krause). Kalli seems to take an immediate trusting to Cass, and after Cass tells her their side-gig is nannying, Kalli asks if they can watch her daughter Ari (Ridley Asha Bateman) while she goes out of town for work.
