No wonder it feels personal that this team rejects your efforts. It is personal; it's happening to you. But it's not about you. This team might have so much internal tension that they can't stand to be in a meeting together. Maybe they had a bad experience with your predecessor. They might think they know it all already and attending meetings is just wasting their time. Or it could really be as straightforward as what they've told you: Their working hours and training times are already used up.
If you've spent enough time in workplaces, on boards, or in other community organizations, you've probably had that moment where your stomach tightens in a meeting and you're not entirely sure why. A comment lands sideways. A tone shifts. Someone interrupts you for the third time. You walk away replaying the exchange, wondering whether you imagined it or whether something subtle but unmistakable just happened. That confusion is often the first sign you're dealing with a workplace bully.
Working with my family full time was not something I had pictured for myself growing up. Even when I was given a chance to sit down and learn the family business full time, I told myself it would only be temporary. I had plenty of peers who planned from the get-go to take over their parents' companies, but not me. Still, my mother was determined to have me learn the ins and outs, no matter what I may end up doing in the future.
We've all been there, caught in that uncomfortable dance with someone who seems to have mastered the art of manipulation. Here's the thing: You don't need a confrontation or clever comeback to protect yourself. In fact, some of the most powerful ways to disarm a manipulator involve no words at all. Psychology research shows us that our nonverbal responses can completely shift the power dynamic, leaving manipulators without their usual foothold.
When Jennifer Vaughan, 55, returned to work as a substitute teacher after her facelift, nobody said anything outright. Vaughan worried, "God, is it not enough of a difference that somebody isn't asking?" However, there were signs her coworkers were just being polite. One teacher did a double take and stammered their way through asking if something had changed. She told a few other teachers, and said, "They were like, 'Okay, I thought something was up, but I wasn't totally sure.'"
For Andrew Wang, a 33-year-old software engineer, AI has become a part of his daily routine - but it's come at the cost of some of the casual conversations he used to have with colleagues. Wang said the growing reliance on large language models has, at times, made teams feel more "siloed." In the past, coworkers would regularly hash out ideas and design options in impromptu conversations, he said. Now, much of that back-and-forth happens with AI instead - leaving formal meetings for design or code reviews.
I used to take him to office functions, like company dinners or business galas, but I hesitate now because he may begin cursing like a sailor at the most inappropriate moment. It's almost as if he has lost a filter now that he is older. How can I get him to be aware of his behavior? If he refuses to tone it down, I fear I won't be able to take him places anymore.
Effective collaboration isn't optional. Without it time, energy and resources are wasted. The frustration, resentment and dissatisfaction throughout the process also takes a toll on the team's mental health and well-being. They're discouraged from taking on work that requires collaborating with others and start preferring solo activities.
A close friend who I worked with in a past job is applying for a role in my company, but she had major performance issues in the past.
While of course, I'm happy for her and her family, and was more than happy to look at the first few photos and congratulate her, I am, quite frankly, over it. It has been weeks of her showing me pictures of her baby doing nothing remarkable, with very little difference in the pictures.
When you first become aware of a conflict, there is often an emotional reaction that goes along with any contradiction or disagreement that you may recognize cognitively. This duality to a conflict reflects the distinction made in psychology between hot (that is emotional) states and cool (that is cognitive) states.
