But nothing actually changes. These stuck adult children tell you they are "researching" possible options. They tell you (and themselves) that they are going to send out resumes or go places to apply for jobs-but they don't. Maybe they mean well when they say they're looking into a certificate program or enrolling in college. You think this time they'll do it, but they don't.
I had gotten along fine with my son until this moment nine years ago. Since then, he won't speak to me or return my texts, letters or phone calls and I haven't seen him. If I call him and he answers, he hangs up as soon as he hears my voice. I have no idea where he lives now (he's out of the Marines) or what his life situation is.
I didn't know him as he was growing up; I learned about him when he was already 18, and since then we've stayed in touch through visits, calls and texts. When his mother passed away, he asked to move in with me. My wife and daughters supported the decision, and he's been living with us for about a year now. He's 25, has a steady job and is even considering school, which I'm proud of. At home, however, he's become demanding and dismissive.
If life had worked out differently, Serena would by now be coming to terms with an empty nest. Having brought up seven children, she and her husband might even have been enjoying a little more money and time for themselves. But as it is, three of their adult children are now at home: the 23-year-old finishing his degree; the 28-year-old, a teacher, saving for a house deposit; and the 34-year-old, after a mental health crisis.
Your children's father is putting you in an inappropriate position that, conveniently, clears him of any responsibility for maintaining the relationships in his life. It's much easier, presumably, to believe the narrative that you're not doing enough to make your daughter available to him, rather than acknowledging the truth: He is perfectly capable of dialing his own phone. Tell him and your daughter that you need to remove yourself from their planning.
No parent imagines being disrespected by their adult child. Yet each week in parent coaching sessions, I hear about good, loving parents who feel blindsided when their adult son or daughter pulls away, lashes out, or treats them as if they are the problem. Sure, you made mistakes as a parent, but assuming your heart has been in the right place, just remember that the only perfect people are in the cemetery.
My company pays for the employees' health insurance and then the employee can add (and pay for) additional insurance, including for kids. "Kids" insurance costs the same if you have one kid or six kids. When Anna and Ben graduated college and started working, I kept them on my insurance because I was already purchasing the "Kids" insurance for Caroline. Anna switched to her own insurance at 26 and Ben will be 26 soon and do the same. Caroline now has a full-time job with benefits, including insurance. Her insurance is not free, but costs significantly less than "Kids" at my company. I never had a stated plan to insure my children until they were 26-it just worked out that way for my older children and didn't cost me any additional money. But it's clearly a benefit they received courtesy of me that Caroline won't receive.
Recently, I have had many conversations with many clients and friends discussing what happened to their family connection. As a family therapist and parent, I've spent decades helping people navigate the challenges of family life. I notice adult children and their families are drifting apart, as strong ties once counted on now seem to be coming undone. I hear it every week in my therapy sessions.
Now, my dad and "Britney" now have a son who is a little under a year old. He and Britney are forever after me to take him for the afternoon or even most of the day, supposedly so we can form a sibling bond. I suspect they are trying to use me as free child care and have steadfastly refused, which has angered them to no end.
Based on my years of coaching parents of entitled adult children, I see the emotional toll parents pay when anticipating the next crisis that pops up on their text messages or literally on their doorstep. Perhaps it is a pressured plea for financial support laden with irrational reasoning ("You never did crap for me, so now I need you to step up for me, finally"). Or, possibly, the torment stems from their adult child's refusal to take responsibility for their actions.
