#empathy

#empathy

Have you ever noticed someone in power who seems rather indifferent to the opinions of others? Perhaps you've witnessed a leader who doesn't seem tuned in to the experiences of the people they lead. It's not just your imagination, and it may not be that the person was always like that. Instead, it appears that having power actually impairs a person's ability to empathize. If that isn't concerning enough, people are unaware of this power-induced tendency in themselves, thus falling victim to a blind spot.

Claire Danes' acting chops have been on full display since her star teenage turn in My So-Called Life. Now that she is 46 and starring in a new Netflix show, The Beast in Me-no spoilers; don't worry, I have two episodes to go myself-her ability to showcase subtle, complex, and rapidly shifting emotions remains impressive. Why is this surprising or noteworthy, you may ask? She is an actor, after all.

And then there are the harder landmines: the offhand political remark, the joke only a third of the table finds funny, or the question that hits a little too close to home. Tension itches under the surface. You can feel your pulse speed up. Your jaw tightens. Someone's voice rises. This is the moment the Stoics trained for. Not the holiday itself-but the split-second before you respond. This is the Stoic's holiday negotiation rule: Don't react. Negotiate.

This has been true of every one of the more than 3,000 enrollees in our Love without Hurt boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse. For one partner, fear (of isolation or deprivation) is a core vulnerability, while shame (dread of failure and inadequacy as a partner, provider, lover, or parent) is the core vulnerability of the other. Both vulnerabilities are dreadful to both partners, but they differ in what is most terrible.

During the pandemic, I provided counseling for several health care providers. These dedicated medical professionals faced overwhelming stress due to: Patients dying at an increasingly higher rate. Longer hours of work, changing work conditions, and schedule changes. Significant risk of getting sick, and/or dying themselves. Risk of spreading the disease to family members at risk. My clients desperately needed stress-reduction tools to help them through a challenging time.

Music drifts through our daily lives the way light slips through blinds. Quiet, constant, and easy to overlook. It hums in grocery stores, pulses in elevators, fills the space between us on the subway. Most of the time, we barely notice. But when we stop, when we choose one song, silence the noise, and really listen, music transforms. A breath slows. A memory surfaces. A question arises that we did not know we were carrying.

Managers are often spinning several plates: leading by example, setting and exceeding goals for your team, keeping workflow moving, providing support, and keeping employees motivated, engaged, and productive . . . all while adhering to your company's objectives. If you haven't done it before, it can be overwhelming. It's almost like having to activate an entirely new part of your brain. Luckily, experts say creating "boss brain" is within anyone's reach, regardless of leadership experience . . . or lack thereof.

She found herself imagining what it would be like to confront the businesses and homeowners displaying Prop 8 signs. "I would want to go up to the front door and just sort of present myself and say, 'This is my face. I'm gay and I love my soon-to-be wife. And why do you think it's not OK for us to have the same rights that you do?'"

If you'd asked me what to do before you got frustrated with your sister and expressed it, I would have encouraged you to be a bit gentler with her. The commentary about insanity and moving on was unnecessary. She's obviously very hurt (making irrational demands, yes; but in pain, too) and didn't need to be told anything that would make her feel worse about herself.

How many times do you say "sorry" throughout the day? When you stop to think about it, you might realize the word sneaks into almost every sentence - often without you realizing it. A quick apology might slip out as you reach to grab your coffee in a cafe, and another as you move past someone to squeeze out the door, and then again as a jogger practically runs you over on the sidewalk.

Events and facts in the news inform the framework of my next show and the discussion with my next guest. I develop a clear picture of how the topics of the day fit into my own leadership philosophy and practice and what my audience is likely to be thinking about. Understanding the news allows me to adjust the closing remarks of every show, helping each of my listeners to unlock the resilient leader they already are.

Second, and most radically: We hear Linda's child but do not see her. At first this feels uncomfortable, even frustrating. But Bronstein has explained it simply: The moment you see a child's face, that's where your empathy goes (especially a sick one). In fact, this child, played by a sweet-voiced Delaney Quinn, is not even named. This movie's about Linda, remember?

Many adults can remember acting out scenes as doctor and patient, or using sticks and leaves as imaginary currency. Those playful moments were not just entertainment-they were early lessons in empathy and taking someone else's perspective. But as children spend more time with technology and less in pretend play, these opportunities are shrinking. Some educators worry that technology is hindering social-emotional learning.

In the history of psychology, some of the deepest insights have come from asking a deceptively simple question: What if you could step into someone else's skin? For decades, psychologists have tried to make society more inclusive by asking people to imagine what life is like for someone different from them, but imagination only goes so far. You can picture what it might be like to roll into a job interview in a wheelchair, or to navigate a crowded hallway with limited mobility,

"I just had this conversation with my mother, who's been married for 30-plus years. Here's what she wants and needs to feel pursued." "Emotional safety, consistently. A messy house and a lack of flowers are neither here nor there. She wishes that she could go to her husband and say 'this thing is really bothering me,' and him not exploding (even on her behalf, not necessarily at her) and just being another thing she has to mitigate.

Most of us know the pain and isolation that occurs when we feel judged unfairly by others. We can move through the discomfort of judgment by understanding the reasons why others judge. By focusing on forgiveness and learning the lessons of our situation, we can adopt a healthy mindset. We all make mistakes. Sitting in the discomfort that judgment creates can deepen our connection to humanity.

It's impossible to ignore the tension in the air right now. Acts of political violence, heated debates, and deepening division leave many of us feeling bewildered, frustrated, and even helpless. In times like these, our instinct can be to double down on our perspective or point fingers outward. One of the drivers of polarization is the sense that acknowledging another group's struggles somehow diminishes our own. Humility, if we are open to it, offers another path.

Discussion of the shooting and death of right-wing pundit Charlie Kirk has taken over other threads. I'm putting up an open thread so that the other discussions can remain on topic. Kirk believed in widely-distributed gun ownership and exhorted their use to put down violence ( link): Kirk said gun violence was necessary in America ( link). Kirk also believed empathy was some new age thing, evidence of "wokeness." ( link)

When you are able to calm down, you should reach out to your friend. Chances are, she is totally unaware of her behavior toward you. Because she doesn't handle stress well, she shrugs off your issues. Now, seeing her co-worker on a daily basis and observing whatever crisis she may have experienced has forced her to acknowledge someone else going through it.

"It's an abomination, the Bible says so. Marriage is between a man and woman. Anything else is unnatural, it's wrong!" He was, as we say in these parts, convicted in his words. "I hear you," I replied. "I know that the idea seems a little odd to some folks. But the main thing I get from the Bible is that we're supposed to love one another, especially people who are different from us, hard for us to love." That's all I said. He chewed on that for a moment and then replied, "I guess you're right." And then, after a bit more pondering, "Well, I suppose they're just born that way anyway."