Believe it or not, emotional reasoning is neither rare nor uncommon. It is present when we feel jealous and conclude that our partner is cheating on us, with no reason or evidence to back this assumption up. It is in play when we feel judged and scrutinized, without a single remark or event as proof. It can negatively impact our impression when meeting a prospective employer triggers anxiety.
Who says our opinions of ourselves are accurate? After nearly 20 years in practice as a therapist, I've seen how easily those opinions can be shaped-or misshaped-by life experiences. Some clients grew up in families that repeatedly communicated things, directly and indirectly, that weren't true about their worth. Others, who seemed confident for years, found their self-esteem derailed when self-doubt or impostor phenomenon crept in.
As social animals, we humans are hard-wired to learn, thrive, and grow through our relationships - our engagement with and observations of others. Early in life, we rely on teachers and role models for guidance and support. Through engagement in formal and informal settings, in school, games, and other pursuits in our young lives, comparison begins to seep into our daily lives.
Your partner sees your potential. Let's say Nancy wants to become an accomplished artist. She begins dating Sam, who immediately admires her artistic perspective on life and her paintings. Their view shapes how they treat you. Because of how Sam views Nancy, he naturally encourages her to pursue her career in art-both when she is struggling to get any attention as an artist as well as when her work is shown in a new gallery.
"Especially in the cultural background I come from, I would say as soon as you finish what you think is education; it could be a bachelor's or a master's, and then the second you go into a full-time job, then all of a sudden there's a switch, then you should be actively looking to end your singlehood."
Narrative therapy encourages us to begin by identifying our dominant narrative—the main story we tend to focus on and tell about ourselves. Dominant narratives, though told and retold, are not always fully accurate; they sometimes ignore other important parts of the story.
