The shoulds are a type of cognitive distortion (unhelpful thinking habit) that can lead to judgment. You may judge others, for example, 'They shouldn't act that way,' and yourself. In this post, we will focus on the shoulds you direct at yourself, though the strategies may be helpful for all cognitive distortions.
People at peace with aging don't stop exploring. They take up watercolor painting at fifty-five. They join book clubs discussing genres they've never read. They learn new technologies instead of complaining about them. This isn't about proving anything to anyone. It's about maintaining that sense of wonder that keeps life interesting. When you're genuinely engaged with learning something new, you spend less time lamenting what used to be.
Humans are programmed to be more negative than positive. Back in the day, focusing on what disaster may befall us was the best way to survive. Now, those negative thoughts are not related to survival, but can get in the way of health and well-being. Ironic. Often, negativity is aimed at ourselves. We may not have a positive view of our capabilities, our potential, or our ability to rebound after a disappointment or failure.
For those who have learned that love and safety are conditional, the new year can be triggering. The message is clear: To be loved and accepted, you have to be better. Be compliant. Do not need so much. Basically, who you are is not enough. To be loved, you have to be perfect. That is why rigid resolutions often collapse by February. Not because of a lack of willpower, but because change driven by shame rarely works.
Yesterday I drove my son to work and, since we arrived early, we sat in the car and chatted. I'm not sure how we got onto the topic, but quite quickly, we began discussing the idea that the things people do are always the best they can do given who they are, what they know, and the circumstances they find themselves in.
If you feel that you're not good enough, you're not alone. Research has shown how many successful people suffer from imposter syndrome, believing that they're not good enough (Bravata et al., 2020). A recent international review revealed the prevalence of inferiority feelings in people around the world (Amani & Taqiyah, 2024). I've been there too. I was a shy child who loved books, while my brother was a charming extrovert and my mother's favorite.
Around the same time, he was turning 40, so I called to wish him a happy birthday. While we were catching up, he mentioned that he'd been eating healthier and working out consistently. Then he said something that surprised me: "I had a salad for lunch today." My brother has hunted since he was a teenager. Salad was never exactly his go-to meal.
Here's the truth: When it comes to everyday messes, organized people don't necessarily have better habits, they just have different inner dialogue. For example, I'm the type of person who, behind the closed doors of closets, accumulates piles of papers and boxes without shame. Eventually, I reach a point where I can't tolerate those piles (usually, when I need more space for something else). But I know, in the interim, my mess doesn't indict me as a person.
Writing your thoughts down can help you gain some space from them, greatly reducing their emotional charge. You can notice what is actually going on in your mind and use this information to make concrete goals that will ultimately lead to more happiness. When you write a thought, ask yourself, "What is the need I am really feeling here? What am I wanting more of?"
I have completely lost it. Bruised, battered, beat, and busted down, I've created such a fortress around me that I don't even let kindness in, that is if I even see it at all. But when I do see it, you can be sure it feels odd, and I even shut myself off to it because I'm so numb to giving or receiving kindness.
These kinds of thoughts can sneak in when you're tired, overwhelmed, or having a particularly hard day. One thing goes wrong, then another, and suddenly you're not just having a bad moment, you're spiraling into a brutal internal monologue. It's the opposite of a pep talk. It's a judgment talk. And it's exhausting. That harsh inner voice doesn't make you stronger; it drains you.
We all struggle with self-doubt at times. Maybe it shows up as a nagging voice that says you're not good enough, or as a harsher self- bully. And it can especially be a problem for highly sensitive people who tend to turn against themselves. But these messages of inadequacy don't have to control your life. By bringing mindful attention to your inner thoughts and feelings, you can begin to open more fully to your struggles, ultimately nurturing greater self-understanding, self-empathy, and self-compassion.
First and foremost, please be kind to yourself. I do not need to know much about you, dear reader, to know that you are likely struggling with something: regret, guilt, sadness, anger, or pain. The reason I know this is because these experiences are universal to us all. Please treat yourself with kindness as you navigate these challenges because it makes the journey more bearable.
This experience taught me that letting go isn't about weakness, failure, or loss. It's about creating space-for ease, clarity, and the next chapter of our lives. In fact, it was my own transition to my next chapter that enabled me to finish the book. I learned to release outdated beliefs, soften my self-judgment, and eliminate roles that no longer fit.
Money mistakes happen. We've all had that moment of overspending, taking on debt or making an investment that didn't work out. Financial mistakes are part of being human, but for many, these mistakes come with the heavy burden of shame. Unlike guilt, which can motivate us to change our behavior, shame can leave us stuck. Understanding how shame shows up and learning how to work through it can create a path toward a healthier relationship with money.
For children in foster care, safety is only part of healing. Many carry an invisible burden of shame that comes from being separated from their families of origin. Unlike guilt, which says "I did something bad," shame whispers " I am bad." Over time, this whisper weaves into identity, so that making a mistake feels like proof of worthlessness rather than an opportunity to learn.
This means that your mind is flexible enough to stay calm and steady even in stressful and unpleasant situations. Here are a some suggestions for cultivating this sublime state of mind. Learn to live well despite your limitations. In 2001, I became chronically ill after contracting what appeared to be a routine viral infection. Today, my doctor calls me a "long hauler," a term that came into use when people didn't (for haven't) recovered fully from a bout with Covid.
