#shame

#shame

For children in foster care, safety is only part of healing. Many carry an invisible burden of shame that comes from being separated from their families of origin. Unlike guilt, which says "I did something bad," shame whispers " I am bad." Over time, this whisper weaves into identity, so that making a mistake feels like proof of worthlessness rather than an opportunity to learn.

To read Frederic Gros's A Philosophy of Shame is to be reminded of how vulnerable we are to the emotion's inhibitions and agonies. We shame, we are ashamed, and we expend significant energy imagining shameful situations so we might avoid them. Shame makes us vulnerable to humiliation and ruin, and provides a method by which we can humiliate and ruin others. The cycle is often self-perpetuating: shame begets shaming.

Shame is an inhibitory emotion on the Change Triangle, the tool that teaches us about emotions. Shame is an emotion designed to keep us from acting in ways that get us banished from the people and groups we need, like our family, peer groups, religious groups, and communities. But when we grew up in environments that harshly punished us for our mistakes, shame tells us to keep our mistakes hidden, lest we "pay the price." That's how shame blocks accountability.

"The thing that really gets in the way of learning and growing ... is our shame. Shame freezes us and ... freeze is an anti-learning defense state that keeps us where we are."

Self-distrust often stems from shame rather than a lack of ability, leading individuals to continuously doubt their financial decisions and capabilities.

Shame is tied to the painful belief that you are fundamentally flawed, defective, or unworthy, and when ignored, it destructively impacts our lives.

To be sure, addicts typically suffer impaired control. But substance misuse doesn't involve tropisms and reflexes. The addict believes, and believes correctly, that there are ways, often requiring help and support, to regain and leverage the power of self-control, and to act and be different in the future than they are now.

Oscar Wilde's influence looms large in Cutthroat, with lead singer Charlie Steen reflecting on the paradoxical nature of life: 'Life's far too important to be taken seriously.'

"Shame is one of the most uncomfortable experiences, so much so that we often project our shame onto others to provide some relief from the discomfort."