#guilt

#guilt

I'm struggling with something I feel guilty even saying out loud: Watching my parents age is breaking my heart. I'm incredibly lucky as my parents had me when they were young. My mom just turned 60, and my dad is right behind her. But despite their age, they seem so much older than they should be. They give everything they have to their jobs during the day, and then come home only to collapse in front of the TV, eating DoorDash night after night.

Back to selectionEvery Contact Leaves a Trace, its title alluding to a basic principle of forensic science, is the latest cinematic exploration from experimental filmmaker and poet Lynne Sachs. Pairing this concept with seven (of the 600) business cards she's collected over the years, Sachs embarks on an investigation into "how an encounter with someone seeps into your way of thinking" (as she explains in a VO that runs throughout the film).

Emotional blackmail is manipulation; it is meant to obligate someone to give someone else what they want-or else. The "or else" there is often guilt. I should do it, think it, believe it, feel it, or say it, because if I don't, I'm going to feel terribly guilty. Why? Because I've been getting subtle or overt messages from a significant other to do what they want me to do-or else they will feel very bad, or very mad.

I met Donny 18 months ago. For a while, we were both happy. Then suddenly, every Friday, Donny would make some excuse, smoke a cigarette and go to the bar across the street. Afterward, he would show up here drunk, and we would argue. When Donny was sober, he was a great guy, but every weekend he disappeared. Although I tried every day to help him, the drinking evolved into drugs. A few months ago, he came over to visit.

Looking back, most parents and adult children are going to have some regrets about their adolescent time together. They may regret what they did (commission) or didn't do (omission)-mistakes made or opportunities missed. Commission regrets might be: "I wish I hadn't lied to them about so much and grown so far away." Dishonesty costs intimacy, creating distance from distrust. Or: "We held onto her too tight when we should have done more letting go!" Their need to control delayed important youthful learning from life experience.

Whether your pup is super expressive or more stoic in their vibes, dogs just never really hide how they're feeling. You always know where you stand with man's best friend and, sometimes, that can be a little alarming. Like when you walk in the door after work and are met by your dog peeking around the corner with their ears back.

Perfectionists often feel a deep sense of shame over even minor infractions, which exacerbates their internal distress and leads to black and white thinking about worth.

Maladaptive guilt keeps us stuck in self-blame and hinders growth. Guilt can be broken down into smaller parts to examine objectively.

Say no to guilt-driven commitments. Recognize that constantly saying yes can lead to burnout and resentment, distancing you from genuine connections with others.

Guilt, while seemingly negative, can provide an illusion of agency, suggesting that our efforts can influence change, masking an underlying sense of hope.