The article recounts a childhood incident where the author realized Santa Claus wasn't real, leading to consequences that instilled a deep sense of shame and fear of rejection. This experience shaped the author's understanding of goodness as a means to feel loved and accepted, ultimately leading to an internalized belief that their worth is linked to fitting into societal expectations. This belief permeated their decisions about food, body image, and personal choices, illustrating how early experiences and societal norms can significantly impact self-perception and mental health.
That moment taught me that feeling loved, accepted, and safe meant being good. Because to my body and brain, goodness was the solution to protect me from ever getting in trouble again.
The fear of being wrong or bad slowly worked its way into every corner of my life: my choices, my words, how I looked, what I ate, what I weighed.
In a society that equates both food choices and thinness with health, and moralizes all of it, the number on the scale wasn't just about weight. It was about virtue. Worth. Safety.
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