I was stealing other people's definitions of happiness and trying to make them fit my life. I'd walk past neighbors' houses at night, see their living rooms lit up through the windows, and think that's what I was missing.
My dad loved kids. Being a dad was all he ever wanted, and he excelled at it. I remember the day he sold our childhood train set - the family buying it came over, and he got so excited showing the kid how it all worked. He just loved kids.
Some people may think that getting rich and owning a large house, several cars, and luxury clothes is the key to a happy life. Others would say that living a life full of adventures and traveling the world to see beautiful places and experience exciting activities is the key to happiness. Another way to find happiness in life could also be having a stable relationship and a cozy little home, shielded from the stressors of the modern world.
But the relationship between intelligence and happiness is complicated, Arthur C. Brooks wrote in 2023. "The gifts you possess can lift you up or pull you down; it all depends on how you use them," he explained. Today's newsletter explores how to utilize your skills and smarts to add joy to your life, rather than letting them chip away at what actually makes the days meaningful.
Extrinsic goals are things like wealth, status, and fame. These generally depend on recognition or validation from others and do not directly satisfy our psychological needs (even though we often think that they will). Extrinsic goals seem valuable, but their value is really based on what they give access to, not the goals themselves. The pursuit of extrinsic resolutions tends to crowd out more fulfilling pursuits, meaning a person can end up feeling frustrated and unfulfilled even when they succeed in their pursuits.
A much-loved Christmas story tells about the journey of the Magi-the three Wise Men who came seeking the baby Jesus in Bethlehem. "Where is He who has been born King of the Jews?" they ask. "For we have seen His star in the East and have come to worship Him." The essence of the tale is their unshakable faith in a worldly sign-a star in the sky-which the Magi trusted would guide them to the savior of the world.
There has long been a debate about whether happiness is a fleeting, almost chemical spark that comes and goes without warning, or whether a more enduring version of happiness can settle into something like a steady state. Philosophers, psychologists, and everyone in between have tried to moderate this debate with different terminology-contentment, joy, life satisfaction, hedonia, eudaimonia, and so on.
In the first study on this topic that we published in 2023, we found that increasing levels of union membership tends to make working-class people happier. We zeroed in on a question in the General Social Survey, which the University of Chicago makes available. It asks respondents to choose whether they are "very happy," "somewhat happy" or "not at all happy" with their life.
Daily life is filled with ups and downs, wins and losses, feeling good and feeling not-so-good. Yet, according to experts, even amidst the strains of each day, happiness is a choice. Abundant research by psychologists has discovered that there are simple activities that can increase happiness. Many of them are easy, inexpensive, and easily practiced and learned (Nelson, Kurtz, & Lyubomirsky, 2015).
Many stressed-out people are attracted to eastern meditation, believing that it will give them relief from their "monkey mind" and lower their anxiety about life. Unfortunately, the monkey usually wins because people find the mental focus required for meditation devilishly hard. On a trip last year to India, I asked a Buddhist teacher why Westerners struggle so much with the practice. "You won't get the benefit from meditation," he said, "as long as you are meditating to get the benefit."
Two millennia ago, Aristotle distinguished between a life lived in pursuit of pleasure, which brings temporary satisfaction, and a life lived according to reason, virtue, and the pursuit of goals, which leads to true happiness. Therapeutic approaches of today tend to agree with Aristotle that fleeting pleasures aren't enough to make us happy and that a subjective sense of well-being stems largely from the way we live our lives.
At some point in our lives, most of us have been told to "put on a happy face" or "fake it 'til you make it." But it may be detrimental to pretend to be happy when you're not. The more people value happiness, the more unhappy they are A 2024 study by Zerwas, et al. surveyed 1,800 people about their level of happiness and their desire to be happy.
According to Gilbert, his mother may have been partly right - at least when it comes to marriage. Studies have shown that married people are on average happier than those who are unmarried, and the effect holds across decades of data. But he added, "It isn't marriage, per se, that makes you happy. It's the good marriage you have. If a marriage is good enough to keep, you'll likely get a happiness boost from keeping it. If it isn't, you'll likely get one from leaving."
I've often written on this blog about the complicated connection between money, purpose, and happiness. Some studies suggest that income relates to happiness up to a point, but the most enduring research tells a different story. The Harvard Adult Development Study, which has tracked participants for over 80 years, concludes that personal connections-not money-are the true key to fulfillment. Still, the question remains: Can we spend our way to happiness?
