#active-listening

#active-listening

About five years ago, I ran into a problem many people face as they get older: The people I holiday shop for typically just buy everything they want throughout the year. That, of course, left me hanging during the holidays, not knowing what to get anyone and relying on gift cards to allow them to buy the things they love. (The people in my life are notoriously hard to shop for.)

"What makes it harder or easier to get a good night's sleep at school?" "What are your creative solutions for finding food that feels nourishing on campus?" (for non-athletes) "What were your favorite ways to get movement into your busy schedule?" (for athletes) "What was the best part of being on the team? How do you feel it impacted your physical health?"

He didn't establish trust. The seller was a retired teacher with a warm face and a nervous smile. Before she could offer him a seat, he opened his folder and began discussing median prices and days on market. She nodded, but her eyes drifted into that polite, distant look every agent has seen. In that moment, the listing was already gone not because of the information, not because of the strategy, but because the seller did not feel seen.

I use a simple framework I call the 5 R'srespect, relate, reframe, revise, and repeat, that I also describe in my book, Misguided. These aren't about winning a debate; they're about lowering defensiveness and creating space for mutual understanding. You also don't need to engage every time. Choose your moments, and try to know the other person's goal before diving in, whether that is validation, curiosity, certainty, or simply keeping the peace.

Once two unique people commit to having their love translate into a meaningful relationship characterized by genuine intimacy, they will need to remain in an apprenticeship of intimacy. There will be no arrival, only the opportunity to make modifications and grow. Emotional intimacy possesses too much that is unknown, as two unique individuals are changing, growing, and unfolding in their own distinctive ways. Let's look closely at the 10 building blocks that comprise the apprenticeship.

From there, he said to remember those good memories and focus on cultivating a warm and curious rapport that is centered around simple, effective, and concise questions that you already know the answers to. The questions can be along the lines of "Tell me more about why you believe this to be true?" or "Where did you get this information from?"

A busy life and demanding job can leave you emotionally depleted. When your own head is spinning, it can be hard to switch gears and listen to a partner who is struggling. It may be tempting to instruct them on how to fix things or lecture them on how they should have avoided the problem in the first place. Yet, both responses seem to make things worse.

We've all felt the pressure to be "on." To be witty, magnetic, full of stories, and somehow the kind of person others orbit around. From job interviews to first dates to Instagram bios, we're taught to polish ourselves into a brand. Be bold. Be memorable. Be interesting. But here's a quiet truth that doesn't get enough airtime: Being interesting is overrated. What really opens doors, deepens bonds, and changes lives isn't being the most fascinating person in the room. It's being the most interested.

To help yourself relax, try stretching and taking breaths with an extended exhale.