#estrangement

#estrangement

Growing up, Melissa Shultz sometimes felt like she had two fathers. One version of her dad, she told me, was playful and quick to laugh. He was a compelling storyteller who helped shape her career as a writer, and he gave great bear hugs. He often bought her small gifts: a pink "princess" phone when she was a teen, toys for her sons when she became a mom.

On the surface, my own childhood certainly looked idyllic. My dad worked, and my mom stayed home. I did well in school. I was involved. If I expressed interest in an activity, my mom signed me up. She schlepped me around town, to games and competitions, to art classes and orchestra practices. I stood out academically; my report cards always read "a pleasure to have in class." I was a rule follower by nature, seemingly clinging to the order and structure that school offered me.

Growing up, I was teased a lot by my sister and mother; they would point out how I looked different from them and distort their faces to look like mine to mock me. One running joke is that I was the "Asian milkman's" daughter because I have a partial epicanthic fold, and they didn't. Turns out, I actually AM my father's child, and the reason that I looked different from my sister is because she wasn't!

"You don't have to feel guilty for cutting someone off to protect yourself. Sometimes estranging someone is the healthiest thing you can do. It was for me."

When one parent shares their negative emotional perspective of the other with a child, it may deeply disturb the child's perception and relationship with that parent.

It's clear that your son's decision is painful and you feel helpless to fix it. And so, the mind naturally goes to a scenario that might get a response.

"When people wonder why I haven't spoken to my dad in a year but this is my dad."