Maureen's reactions make complete sense-both as a child and as an adult, she learned to stay guarded. Being alert likely protected her in harsh settings, and that deserves recognition. But there's also a toll: living in a state of high alert is exhausting. Bracing for criticism, decoding tone and word choice, and anticipating the next betrayal drains us physically and emotionally.
"I throw up every day before work now. When I hear his voice, I shake. I can't sleep, and I've lost weight. This job is killing me!" she cried. Kathy worked for a bullying boss whose recent tirades escalated to an unbearable level. The last straw for Kathy occurred when her boss stomped up behind her and slammed a large report binder on her desk, startling her.
The need for connection is evolutionary. Traveling in packs offered physical protection and emotional support. Ostracism threatens belonging more clearly and more strongly than other unpleasant social responses.