"That if we just hold space long enough, people will change. Heal. Transform. But here's what I've learned the hard way: Love only transforms when both people are willing participants in healing. Love cannot live where there is no safety. It cannot grow in an environment ruled by control or fear. And it cannot thrive when one person is constantly shrinking just to survive."
"I stayed longer than I like to admit because I believed, deep down, that my love could heal him. If I just loved harder, more purely, more selflessly, maybe I could soften his edges. Diminish the rage. Make him whole. But no matter how hard I tried, it didn't work. He still raged. He still criticized. He still looked at me like I was the problem."
Everything in life now centers on healing and love: becoming, living, and returning to love. A nine-year relationship caused anxiety, confusion, and constant vigilance, with alternating charm and cruelty that was normalized. Persistent belief that loving harder could heal the partner delayed leaving. Repeated attempts failed: rage, criticism, and blame continued. Realization came that love alone cannot change someone who is unwilling to engage in healing. Love transforms only when both people participate, and it cannot thrive without safety, free of control or fear, nor when one person constantly shrinks to survive. Leaving was complicated by family, friends, colleagues, and church pressures.
Read at Tiny Buddha
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