Three's a crowd: what to do when you hate your friend's partner

"Years ago, my best friend fell in love with a man I disliked. He had a habit of looking over my shoulder when I tried to talk to him, and I thought he was too possessive. He spoke to her using a special high-pitched baby voice, and the worst thing was that my friend absolutely loved it, and would baby-talk right back. Thinking that our friendship was bound to outlive her infatuation, I made it obvious that I disliked him."

"I very pointedly made plans without him, and when I was forced to spend time in his presence I made so many private jokes I was essentially talking to my friend in a horrible baby language all of my own. To no one's surprise but mine, this behaviour didn't have the desired effect. My friend started avoiding me. Her boyfriend won and eight years later he's still winning. They are getting married next year, and I am not invited."

"Disliking a friend's partner is such a common experience, but it's hard to know what to do about it. Experts agree that if you suspect that your loved one is at risk of physical or emotional abuse from an intimate partner, you should let them know that you've noticed something is wrong. But what if your friend isn't in danger, and you just feel their other half isn't worthy of them?"

"In the past, my tactic has been to simply avoid asking my friend about their relationship at all. I'll refuse to say the hated partner's name out loud, as though I am a wizard and the partner is Lord Voldemort. I also have a trick where I pretend I need the toilet every time I'm stuck talking to the partner in a group setting. But none of this behaviour is particularly subtle, and I'd like to find a more constructive way of coping with the situation."

A disliked partner used possessive behavior and baby-talk, while the friend enjoyed it. The narrator tried to make disapproval obvious through excluding the partner from plans and using private jokes that mimicked baby language, which led the friend to avoid the narrator. The friend later married the partner and the narrator was not invited. Guidance suggests telling a loved one if there are signs of physical or emotional abuse. When there is no clear danger but the partner seems unworthy or annoying, avoidance tactics like refusing to mention the partner’s name or leaving conversations can be unhelpful. The narrator seeks a more constructive coping approach by consulting therapists and relationship experts.

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