"Most parents who reach out for coaching say they can't recall the moment(s) when it began. I'm talking about when they started pausing, maybe several times, before responding to their adult child's texts. Or, those parents softening their opinions (or straight-up twisting them) so as not to spark reactivity in their adult children. Or, they bite their tongues altogether and avoid certain topics."
"How can parents not have memories of swaddling and nurturing their adult children as infants, toddlers, and young kids? How the heck did things go from all that affection and awe to the current strain and emotional pain? Over years of disconnects, unresolved conflicts, and consequent hidden anxieties, parents' love for their adult children, which was associated with connection, now becomes cautious."
"The overthinking patterns I am referring to can best be illustrated with a few examples from my coaching practice (names changed here). Carol is a mom of a 20-year-old son whom she is afraid to text because she feels judged for whatever she writes. Tom tried to provide some helpful advice to his son, Josh, but now Josh is not responding at all."
Overthinking causes parents to hesitate before responding, soften or twist their opinions, bite their tongues, and avoid topics to prevent upsetting their adult children. Years of disconnects, unresolved conflicts, and hidden anxieties rewire the parental nervous system so that loving feelings become cautious rather than connected. Specific examples include a mother afraid to text because she feels judged, a father whose advice receives no response, and a parent who feels unsafe around a struggling child. Overthinking pushes parents toward avoidance. Rebuilding trust in one's own thoughts and feelings enables calmer, more constructive conversations and restores connection with adult children.
Read at Psychology Today
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