"Miss Manners notes that the action was not, however, so out of character that you appear to have any doubt about the facts. The approach to take is to ask how they are doing. You will not need or want to mention the incident directly, or even add any special inflection when you ask how they are. Most people are well-informed about their own lives, so they will make the connection and you can then follow that lead."
"My husband died unexpectedly three months ago. It was a shock and I am not OK. But sometimes I have to go grocery shopping. As I start to move around in the world again, people stop me frequently and ask how I'm doing. This is difficult to answer, and I understand they are trying to be kind. But then they often go on to share with me painful stories of the spouse, sibling, child or dear friend they lost,"
"This near-constant reminder of how unhappy people are inside is not making things easier; it's making me want to go back to hibernating. When someone, maybe with good intent, starts oversharing, how do I politely get them to just not? I'm sure their pain is real and that they also need support, but I am not the person to give it right now."
If a close relative appears in the news for wrongdoing, approach them by asking how they are without mentioning the incident. A neutral, open-ended question allows them to acknowledge the situation if they wish and prevents unnecessary embarrassment. People generally understand their own circumstances and will guide the conversation. When someone is grieving and encounters strangers who share traumatic stories, those responses can overwhelm the mourner. The mourner may need to set polite boundaries, decline to absorb others' pain, and steer interactions toward brief kindness rather than detailed recounting of losses.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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