Dear Abby: How can I get them to change their wedding date without drama?

"I lost my beloved mother-in-law five years ago. Since then, my father-in-law has become engaged to a woman who, frankly, is not liked by anyone in our family. She's unkind and dismissive, and her presence creates tension at family gatherings. They have now announced their wedding date, which happens to fall on my birthday. This has hit me hard. My parents have both passed away, and my birthday has always been a cherished day, filled with memories and meaning."

"I am sorry for your disappointment, but the date of your birth does not belong solely to you. It's clear that you disapprove of your father-in-law's choice of a second wife, and I sincerely hope you will be able to adjust. I do not think it will go over well if you approach the happy couple and ask them to change the date of their nuptials to accommodate you."

"For the past six years, we have been caring for aging parents. My father-in-law, who had Alzheimer's, passed away a few years ago. We went through a lot with him as his illness progressed. My mother-in-law is 87 and does not want to go into a nursing home. She still lives by herself, but my sister-in-law and I take turns cooking and bringing her food, and my husband works his tail off cutting the grass and doing maintenance and repairs she can no longer do."

A woman mourns her late mother-in-law and feels hurt that her father-in-law plans to marry someone the family dislikes, with the wedding set on her birthday, a day of personal significance after her parents' deaths. She fears future birthdays will be overshadowed by the couple's anniversary and wonders if asking them to change the date would be selfish. Advice says the wedding date belongs to the marrying couple and cautions against requesting a change. An older couple describes six years of intensive caregiving for aging in-laws; their retired lives revolve around an 87-year-old mother-in-law who refuses nursing home care, and their adult daughter is reluctant to assume care.

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