Couples who argue about or avoid problems without solving them generate persistent tension and emotional distance. Unresolved issues become landmines that shape interactions and encourage creating parallel lives around children or work. Arguments often stall because partners disagree about whether one of them has the problem or about differing comfort zones and philosophies. Conversations can also devolve into disputes over facts, making resolution difficult. The pattern of unresolved conflict gradually erodes relationship quality. The productive approach is to avoid competition, work as a team to solve problems, and create win-win compromises.
Jake and Alma had yet another argument about money-budgets, who was spending what-but, like the others, it led to nowhere productive. But for other couples, it might not be about money but sex, or children's bedtimes. What they all have in common is that problems are not being resolved. This, unfortunately, is a common problem and pattern that, over time, can erode the relationship. These unsolved problems act as landmines that everyone learns to walk around, but which create an atmosphere of ongoing tension.
Jake will admit he becomes anxious when he sees a credit card balance of more than a couple of hundred dollars. In contrast, Alma grew up in a family that was always struggling with huge debt. She feels fine with a balance of thousands because, in her mind, she is doing a better job than her parents did. Their arguments here are about who has the problem and what it is.
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