"Ever catch yourself apologizing for things that don't need an apology? I used to be that person who'd say "sorry" before asking for my coffee order to be corrected, who'd feel physically uncomfortable turning down weekend work requests, and who'd lie awake at night replaying conversations where I'd said no to someone. It wasn't until therapy after a difficult breakup that I finally understood why."
"My therapist introduced me to something that changed everything: the connection between my inability to say no and the conditional love patterns from my childhood. Suddenly, years of exhausting people-pleasing started to make sense. If you're someone who feels that familiar knot in your stomach when you have to decline a request, you're not alone."
"I spent years being the unofficial career counselor at every family gathering, dispensing advice until my throat was dry and my social battery completely drained. Why? Because somewhere deep down, I believed that if I wasn't helpful, I wasn't valuable. The thought of saying "Actually, I'd rather just enjoy dinner tonight" felt like risking my place at the table entirely. This trait shows up everywhere. We're the ones staying late at work not because the deadline demands it, but because we need to feel indispensable."
Conditional love experienced during childhood often teaches children that love must be earned by being useful, which creates adults who equate worth with usefulness and constantly seek validation through helpfulness. That conditioning produces chronic people-pleasing: apologizing unnecessarily, difficulty saying no, overworking to feel indispensable, and drained social energy. Therapy can reveal the link between early conditional love patterns and adult boundary problems, allowing people to reframe self-worth as independent of usefulness and to practice saying no without the fear of losing belonging.
Read at Silicon Canals
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