"As a relationship and attachment scientist, couples therapist, and coach, I hear it all the time: "My partner is avoidant." "The person I am dating is anxious." "I think I am avoidant." People come to me convinced they have cracked the code of their relationships by slotting themselves or their partners into an attachment category they picked up on TikTok or Instagram."
"Attachment is not a style. It is a biologically based system that organizes how humans seek safety, closeness, and comfort with significant others during times of stress. In infancy, this shows up when a child turns to a caregiver for protection. In adulthood, this shows up when we turn to a partner or close loved one for emotional support, reassurance, or soothing. Attachment is about the dance of seeking and providing safety."
Many therapists and social media posters lack deep training in attachment, which leads to oversimplified labels and misunderstandings. Attachment functions as a biologically based system that organizes how people seek safety, closeness, and comfort with significant others during stress. Attachment dynamics appear in infancy when a child seeks a caregiver and in adulthood when people turn to partners for support, reassurance, or soothing. Labels such as "anxious" or "avoidant" flatten a dynamic, context-dependent process shaped by lived experience. Genuine security emerges through mutual responsiveness and co-created emotional safety, not through quick fixes or scripted labels.
Read at Psychology Today
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