"Before you can set a boundary, you need to know what's working and what's not. Notice these things with some self-compassion. Ask yourself: What parts of holiday gatherings do I enjoy? (e.g., seeing family in small groups, cooking with others, continuing traditions) What parts leave me drained? (e.g., meals with more than 10 people, critical comments about my parenting, lectures about discipline) What do I need more of? (e.g., rest, comfort, mental space) What do I want less of? (e.g., loud places, criticism, pressure)"
"Your needs are information. They're telling you something important about what would help you show up in a way that is good for you. 2. Believe That You Deserve to Have Your Needs Met This can be a big challenge for many parents in my coaching practice. They can understand in their brains that they are people with needs, but they don't really believe in their bodies that they're worthy of having their needs met."
"If you don't believe deep down that your needs matter as much as everyone else's, you'll keep overriding them. You'll set a boundary and then cave when someone pushes back. You'll say, "We're leaving at 4 p.m.," and then stay until 7 p.m. because you know your parent will be disappointed. When you were a child, your parent's disappointment and rejection were almost impossible for you to bear."
Identify which parts of family gatherings energize you and which elements drain you by noticing preferences with self-compassion. Name what you need more of (rest, comfort, mental space) and what you want less of (loud places, criticism, pressure). Treat needs as actionable information that guide boundary choices and attendance plans. Develop an embodied belief that needs deserve fulfillment, not only intellectual recognition. Recognize that childhood conditioning around parental approval fuels guilt and makes you more likely to cave. Rely on other sources of belonging to reinforce boundaries and follow through when others push back.
Read at Psychology Today
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