When emotional arguments motivate couples to come for counseling, though it's painful, I see it as a good sign for two reasons: (1) partners might finally realize they can't wing it, and (2) friction means they're being called to grow, individually and together. For a higher love, this is the ultimate purpose of conflict in a relationship. It's about turning painful moments into opportunities for personal and relational growth.
One of the biggest mistakes partners make is negative urgency—that is, the impulse to engage from a state of negative emotional arousal. The research findings are robust here, that when we engage while emotionally charged, we are much more likely to respond aggressively. From the heat of anger, disgust, or insecurity, we are vulnerable to lashing out. We just want relief from our uncomfortable feelings and lose sight of how damaging our responses can be.
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