"I have completely lost it. Bruised, battered, beat, and busted down, I've created such a fortress around me that I don't even let kindness in, that is if I even see it at all. But when I do see it, you can be sure it feels odd, and I even shut myself off to it because I'm so numb to giving or receiving kindness."
"A few people smiled at me today, it felt nice, but I reacted by maybe some strange grimace back, maybe just a blank stare. I just see everyone out for themselves with this full on narcissism that I only start to just care about my well being. That's the irony, I become selfish. How do I become kind again? And humble? Seriously!"
Past hurts have left deep emotional wounds and a protective fortress that blocks both giving and receiving kindness. Kindness feels foreign and elicits awkward or blank reactions due to numbness. There is a growing belief that others act selfishly, which reinforces withdrawal and self-protective behavior. That withdrawal paradoxically produces selfish actions and diminishes humility. Small gestures like a smile can feel pleasant yet provoke defensive responses. Reclaiming kindness will require gradual dismantling of defenses, intentional practice of kindness and humility, and healing through self-compassion, vulnerability, and rebuilding trust in others.
Read at Portland Mercury
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