People-pleasing is a trauma response called fawning that arises from early experiences of volatility, criticism, or threat. Fawning involves appeasing perceived threats by seeking approval, doing more, or trying to be liked to secure safety and love. Early hypervigilance can generalize into adult situations like workplace anxiety and constant worry about others' reactions. While fawning can temporarily protect, chronic fawning causes exhaustion and disconnection from personal desires, needs, and identity. Recovery involves reducing focus on others' opinions, recognizing fawning patterns, and practicing boundaries and self-directed attention to rediscover authentic wants and needs.
People-pleasing is not a personality trait. It is part of the trauma response known as fawning. Although it can be a useful mechanism at times, existing in a state of fawning leads to exhaustion and losing touch with oneself: who you are, what you want, and what you need. To heal, it is necessary to learn how to focus less on what other people think for the sake of rediscovering who you are.
I grew up in a home that was quite volatile. There were certainly loving moments, but there were also lots of yelling and addiction. I had to be on high alert all the time. This question of "Are you mad at me?" was protective; being sure that my dad wasn't mad at me kept me safe. When I left home, I noticed I was still hypervigilant but in a different form.
Learning about people-pleasing as a trauma response made everything make sense for me. We have four responses to a threat: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. The fawn response is common yet least recognized as a threat response. It is about appeasing the threat by trying to be liked by it, satisfying it, or trying to impress it. Through fawning, safety and love come from doing more for the sake of approval.
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