"On July 2, 2009, my life shattered with three words: "He is gone." I thought my friend meant my love was away on a camping trip, but no. She meant he was gone, as in forever. My stomach knotted and my breath stopped. My body was reacting to the gravity of the truth before my mind could fully process it. The man I loved more than life itself never came back from his camping trip, and in many ways, neither did I. My heart broke in a million pieces in a moment, and I've spent the last fifteen years devoted to picking myself up and putting the parts of my heart back together."
"I'd studied holistic medicine, psychology, and human services, and I thought knowledge would shield me from trauma. It didn't. For fifteen years I lived with chronic PTSD that no textbook could prepare me for. It wasn't until I became pregnant with my daughter that I finally took the steps to get well and become whole so I could be the mother to her that I never had. I finally had another light in my life worth fighting for."
"Even as I had something new to live for, the question lingered in the back of my mind, "Who would I have been if I hadn't been broken first?" Had the trauma already stolen too much for me to start over? As I rebuilt my life, I couldn't help but wonder who I would have been without that trauma. I saw other women in their twenties and thought they had their whole life ahead of them. Although I was in my thirties, I felt like I had already lost my chance, that my past had set me too far back, that I was damaged beyond repair. How could I ever help others when I'm still not over my loss, still locked in anxiety and depression, and still learning to deal with a broken heart? How can I help others when deep inside my heart still hurts?"
A sudden loss on July 2, 2009 shattered life and triggered immediate physical shock and long-term emotional collapse. Fifteen years of chronic PTSD followed despite prior studies in holistic medicine, psychology, and human services. The arrival of a pregnancy prompted active steps toward recovery to become a different kind of mother. Persistent questions about lost potential and comparisons with younger women created feelings of being irreparably damaged and behind in life. Ongoing anxiety and depression complicated the impulse to help others, yet a commitment to healing and service gradually supported rebuilding identity and purpose.
Read at Tiny Buddha
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