New Year, Not a New You

"For those who have learned that love and safety are conditional, the new year can be triggering. The message is clear: To be loved and accepted, you have to be better. Be compliant. Do not need so much. Basically, who you are is not enough. To be loved, you have to be perfect. That is why rigid resolutions often collapse by February. Not because of a lack of willpower, but because change driven by shame rarely works."

"The idea of a makeover often involves eliminating parts of who you are. Yet some of the strategies you used last year clearly worked. They kept you afloat. Healing does not require rejecting your past self or the coping strategies you relied on. It requires integrating all parts of you, including the messy ones. Progress stems from having a healthier relationship with yourself."

"Know Yourself Before setting goals, get curious about yourself. Pay attention to your body. Notice patterns. Reflect on challenges. Identify your triggers and the conditions that help you recover. Not a new you, but new questions: What were my dysfunctional coping strategies protecting me from? What did I need at the time? Where do I feel most regulated? What consistently throws me off balance? What patterns keep repeating?"

January’s cultural pressure to reinvent often backfires because it encourages disowning last year’s self and relies on shame-driven change. Rigid resolutions commonly collapse not from lack of willpower but from attempting to eradicate parts of oneself. Effective healing integrates past coping strategies, including messy ones that kept a person afloat, and focuses on building a healthier relationship with oneself. Before setting goals, cultivate curiosity about bodily signals, recurring patterns, triggers, boundaries, and support networks. Prioritize micro-wins, continuity with the past self, and asking for help to create sustainable behavioral change and emotional resilience.

Read at Psychology Today