Caring for a Difficult Parent

"On one occasion, Joanna had prepared a basic lunch of soup and a sandwich, but it was not hot enough, had no flavor, and was too much to eat. Barbara might add that she couldn't imagine how Joanna fed her family, the poor things. Every time Joanna drove her mother to her many medical appointments, she had to listen to a constant critique: she was driving too fast, stopped too suddenly, and wasn't paying adequate attention."

"When she started caring for her mother a year earlier, who lived in an apartment two miles away, she knew it would be challenging. Barbara had never been an especially empathic mother. She had always been tough and hard to please. While growing up, Joanna had struggled with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. At age 50, she'd been through plenty of psychotherapy and had raised her own two children with a supportive husband. But the old feelings came back like they happened yesterday."

Joanna cares for her mother Barbara, who has progressing vascular dementia and responds with frequent criticism and complaints. Barbara criticizes meals, driving, and Joanna’s appearance, rekindling Joanna’s childhood feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Joanna uses psychotherapy tools to stay calm, remain present, and avoid reacting to provocations. Effective caregiving requires accepting that some care recipients are unlikely to change. Caregivers must prioritize self-care, set and maintain firm boundaries, and periodically reassess those boundaries. Recognizing that criticism reflects the care recipient’s unhappiness rather than the caregiver’s failings can help sustain emotional resilience during long-term caregiving.

Read at Psychology Today