Congratulations on your new LifeBrite Sadness Lamp, clinically proven to treat seasonal affective disorder (SAD), as well as depression that just seems to get worse over time, regardless of the season.
Your LifeBrite Sadness Lamp is equipped with our patented Ionizer, which can blast white light through even the tightly clenched fingers shielding your eyes. You will be able to actually feel the blinding happiness washing over your body as you cower in the corner.
All our Sadness Lamps are assembled by technicians who are totally considered older than eighteen in most countries, and are provided with a complete vending-machine diet, rich in riboflavin, as well as an endless supply of blinding white light.
Please perform the LifeBrite Sadness Lamp Sentience Test, which can be downloaded from our Web site. Be sure that the questions on the test have in no way been made available to your Sadness Lamp beforehand.
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