The first time I felt true joy in the months after my brother Ben's death it was followed by a wave of depression that I had never anticipated.
There is an aftershock to joy when you can't share it with your person. There is a unique feeling of guilt, that you shouldn't be allowed to feel happy without them.
Losing a sibling makes you grieve the moments of joy they can no longer experience. Getting married wasn't just hard because Ben wouldn't be there, but because he never got to have a wedding himself.
I resisted joy because it terrified me. It was a reminder of how fleeting happiness can be after losing someone you love.
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