Reflecting on a high school diary filled with images of male celebrities, the author reveals her struggle with being a closeted lesbian in regional Queensland. Despite her outward appearance of a typical teenage girl, she battled internalized shame and confusion about her sexuality from a young age. Her experience sheds light on the mental energy and time spent masquerading as a straight person, highlighting the pressures of societal expectations and the long process of self-acceptance. A recent visit to her hometown also triggered mixed emotions, showcasing the lasting impact of past experiences on her present identity.
I was a deeply closeted and sad teenage lesbian. I knew that something was different about me from about 11, even though at the time I hadn't met any gay people.
It took me a long, long time to figure it all out, and even longer to feel safe telling anyone. Six or seven years after realising I was queer, I was still carefully choosing photos of men.
The amount of time, the amount of brain space, the amount of ENERGY it takes to live not as yourself is remarkable, and draining.
Even though I am now 42, have lived an extremely loud gay Sydney life for years, I felt a heaviness in returning to my hometown.
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