When Parents Let Us Down

"In relationships, few things are as powerful or as damaging as the stories we carry from our past. We grow up learning how love works by watching our parents and family, and when things go wrong, it is natural to look back and ask, "Why did this happen to me?" Sometimes those questions quietly turn into blame and anger, and before we realize it, the past is shaping how we live, love, and see ourselves today."

"Our early experiences with our parents often form a blueprint for how we relate to others, including how safe we feel with closeness, conflict, and vulnerability (Parkes, 1970; Ainsworth et al., 2015). This helps explain why parental instability, whether emotional, behavioral, or relational, can continue to affect adult relationships long after childhood has passed (Nelson, 2009). Some people might feel anger toward a parent who was once loving and supportive but is now struggling."

"These felt emotions are real. It is always tempting to blame, show anger, alienate yourself, or reduce contact frequency with the parent who is struggling. We may hold them to a higher standard they can no longer meet, and over time, they can become a source of shame or embarrassment. Trying to move forward does not mean pretending nothing happened. It means choosing not to let this pain or anger decide who you become."

Early family experiences create relational blueprints that determine safety with closeness, conflict, and vulnerability. Parental instability—emotional, behavioral, or relational—can persistently shape adult intimacy and trust. Witnessing a parent's decline or secrecy can provoke anger, disappointment, shame, or distancing. Natural responses include blame, reduced contact, and holding parents to standards they no longer meet. Healing requires recognizing these emotions as real, refusing to let past pain dictate identity, and intentionally adopting healthier patterns, boundaries, and emotional responsibility. Understanding parental vulnerability can soften anger and reduce relational distance while promoting recovery and compassionate agency.

Read at Psychology Today