"Your spouse comes to you feeling upset because they were passed up for a promotion at work. This stirs up your own feelings of wanting to help make them feel better. So, you jump into action with a list of proposed solutions, advice, and targeted questions to try to figure out how to make their problem disappear. Then, you're surprised that, despite your best efforts, your partner isn't comforted but is instead even more upset."
"A simple, research-informed framework I often use with couples in therapy to overcome this common issue is the three h's of relationship support: hear, hug, and help. Each "H" represents a different type of support. Not only is each "H" important, but the order in which you do them matters, too. Hear: Why Listening Comes First To hear means to engage in constructive communication and emotional responsiveness. During conversations, even difficult ones, use active listening, validate experiences, and offer empathy."
Feeling seen and heard through validation and understanding predicts greater closeness. A three-part support sequence—hear, hug, help—prioritizes listening first, then physical comfort, and finally problem-solving. Active listening involves verbal summaries, reflections, clarifying questions, and nonverbal cues like eye contact, removing distractions, and nodding. Validation communicates that a partner's feelings and perspective make sense given their situation. Empathic responsiveness precedes practical advice so that problem-solving is received as supportive rather than dismissive. Physical connection and comfort help regulate stress and strengthen bonding when one partner is distressed.
Read at Psychology Today
Unable to calculate read time
Collection
[
|
...
]