"You say it's cozy; I say it's messy. You like it faster; I say it's already fast. You call it colorful self-expression; I call it tastelessly garish. And you want lavish gifts, while I want to give you... not-so-lavish gifts. I prefer celebrating you with loving words. Thoughtful, intimate gestures. Fun little surprises. Keeping my agreements. Reminding you to take your medicine. Holding my hand when we're with other people."
"You say your love language is lavish gifts (or "acts of service," or blowjobs, or whatever), and that they're the primary way that you know you're loved. Therefore, if I want you to feel loved, that's the vocabulary I need to use; without lavish gifts (or whatever), you say all my other gestures are meaningless. Hmm. I love you, but you sound rigid, self-centered, bossy, and rude. On top of that, you expect lavish gifts, too. And to justify your rigidity, you refer to the 1992 best-seller The Five Love Languages by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman."
A person's "love language" reflects a decision and a habit rather than an innate characteristic. The love-language framing can limit people's agency and flexibility and can be used to justify rigid, self-centered demands. Preferences vary and partners must adjust to one another; tension between personal preferences and mutual adjustment can either undermine relationships or create deep satisfaction when navigated successfully. Framing differences as fixed language can concentrate power in one partner. Therapists should be cautious about agreeing to put certain subjects out of bounds in therapy and remain alert to power dynamics masked as preference differences.
Read at Psychology Today
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