The Core Self in Love

"It's hard in stressful times to truly know ourselves, apart from habits, transitory feelings, and reactions to other people. Emotional pain and relationship discord result from losing touch with the core self. When that happens, we're likely to try, in vain, to regulate our emotions by controlling other people. If you or your partner ever felt needy, enmeshed, manipulated, or controlled, you can benefit from strengthening elements of your core self, including your:"

"Self-concept is the emotionally charged set of beliefs about yourself, embedded in your personal values.Your capacity to love is likely to be part of your self-concept. Your ability to drive probably is not. Values are those qualities you hold as important, worthy of appreciation, care, and sacrifice. For example, honesty, loyalty, industriousness, fairness, enthusiasm, and generosity. Identity includes self-regard and how we want others to regard us."

Stressful times blur true self-awareness, leaving habits, fleeting emotions, and reactivity to others to dominate behavior. Losing touch with the core self causes emotional pain and relationship discord and prompts attempts to regulate feelings by controlling others. Strengthening elements of the core self—self-concept, values, identity, and temperament—reduces neediness, enmeshment, manipulation, and control in relationships. Self-concept comprises emotionally charged beliefs tied to personal values and includes capacities such as love. Values are qualities held as important, like honesty, loyalty, and generosity. Identity reflects self-regard and desired social roles. Awareness of innate temperament and partner temperament supports healthier relationship dynamics.

Read at Psychology Today