"It's a question I hear all the time in my therapy practice-usually asked quietly, after a long pause, by someone who's exhausted but still hoping things might change. As therapists, we don't answer this question for our clients. In situations of abuse, manipulation, or neglect, the path becomes clearer. But for many, the answer is far murkier. And in those cases, I often offer a different, more helpful question: Are you with a collaborator-or a resister?"
"Collaborators Lean In Collaborators may not get it right immediately, but they try. They're capable of repeated, hard conversations. They understand that for a relationship to thrive, it has to work for both people. As one baseball- coaching client of mine once said to his wife, in a relationship-defining moment: "If you don't win, I don't win." Listen, even when what you're saying is hard to hear. Take responsibility for their part in the dynamic."
Many people remain in draining relationships because partners resist growth rather than being inherently bad. Identifying whether a partner is a collaborator or a resister clarifies whether change is possible or whether one must proceed alone. Collaborators listen, take responsibility, show care, engage in repeated difficult conversations, and make sustained efforts to change. Resisters avoid, deflect, or dismiss requests for change and shut down dialogue. Meaningful change begins with direct conversations, naming unhelpful patterns, and a willingness to break those patterns even when it feels risky and difficult.
Read at Psychology Today
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