"Unfortunate as this is for your friendship, it is fascinating to Miss Manners as an illustration of etiquette's subtext. On the surface, your behavior was reasonable and considerate. Your friend admitted to wanting the card, so you tried to give it back to her. Twice. But presents (unless they are merely plucked from the recipient's wish list) are loaded with symbolic meaning: I know you, I understand you, and I want to please you."
"To return a present to its donor is therefore to respond with, Well, you failed. (Therefore, discretion is required in disposing of what is unwanted which is fine to do, as long as the giver doesn't know.) You should undo that unintended message by telling her how much you value the card and didn't really want to let it go, except that you value the friendship mo"
A woman received a card from a friend who hesitated to part with it, so she kept and framed it intending to return it to the friend. When offered back, the friend accepted but later complained about no place to display it, yet later gifted the same framed picture back, causing irritation. Presents carry symbolic meaning beyond the object: they express recognition, understanding, and a desire to please. Returning a present can imply that the giver failed, so discretion in disposing of unwanted gifts is advised to avoid hurt feelings. Reassure the giver by expressing value for the gift and the friendship to undo any unintended message.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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