A person with autism and a strong tendency to people-please describes a 13-year friendship strained by boundary-violating requests and lengthy, uncomfortable performances. The friend recounts being volunteered for awkward tasks, enduring four-hour improv shows deemed inappropriate, and being asked to attend long speech contests, while feeling guilty about setting limits. Advice emphasizes asserting and enforcing boundaries to prevent growing resentment, noting that friends often accept reasonable limits and that resentment damages relationships more than direct conflict. A separate query begins about how many beers to offer friends helping with a truck engine swap.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have autism, which makes it difficult to understand social situations especially within close friendships. I also tend to be a people-pleaser. My best friend and I met in high school the day I moved to a new state, and we have now been friends for 13 years. I was the maid of honor at her wedding.
She is one of my favorite people to be around. However, she has done some really wacky, hare-brained things that have led to arguments. She once volunteered me to help move a stranger's things into their home; she's put me through a lot of four-hour improv shows that she was in (which were extremely inappropriate and in poor taste); she brings up people from my past who have hurt me terribly;
GENTLE READER: No living human should be subjected to four hours of improv. Miss Manners notices that you mention your guilt for saying no to this, but not your friend's reaction. You may be surprised by her acceptance of these boundaries, even if it does not seem probable at first. It is certainly difficult to push back, but for the sake of the friendship, you must. Resentment is a much stronger relationship-killer than conflict. Almost as strong as those interminable performances.
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