"One of the most painful dilemmas couples face is this: One partner still wants sex, intimacy, erotic connection-and the other doesn't. Or can't. Or no longer recognizes themselves in that realm. Sometimes the mismatch was always there. One partner was never particularly interested in sex, but it was manageable, ignorable, or deferred. Other times, something shifted- menopause, illness, trauma, aging, exhaustion, an existential change in life perspective."
"Desire is the willingness to engage your lover; it's not the same as arousal. And it cannot be earned, demanded, or extracted by commitment. It responds to aliveness, safety, truth, and freedom. When those conditions change, desire often does too. That doesn't make the person who lost interest broken. And it doesn't make the partner who still wants sex shallow, needy, or entitled."
"But here's the part many couples try to skip: Pretending this doesn't matter corrodes intimacy faster than conflict ever could. When one partner goes quiet sexually, the other often feels abandoned, ashamed for wanting, or subtly positioned as "too much." When one partner keeps wanting, the other can feel pressured, inadequate, or reduced to a role they no longer consent to play."
Sexual mismatch in couples can stem from longstanding differences, life changes (menopause, illness, trauma, aging, exhaustion), or individual growth that outpaces the relationship. Desire is distinct from arousal and depends on aliveness, safety, truth, and freedom; it cannot be compelled by commitment. Neither partner's feelings indicate moral failure: loss of desire does not mean someone is broken, and continued desire is not inherently needy. Avoiding the issue erodes intimacy faster than conflict. When desire diverges, partners may feel abandoned, ashamed, pressured, or reduced to roles, turning sex into a measure of worth, power, or love.
Read at Psychology Today
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