"My mother is about to turn 90, and one of my brothers is having a small dinner celebration. The problem is that I am estranged (for six years) from my other brother "Jim" for, I believe, very good reasons. My mother is laying on the guilt and the only thing she wants is for the family to be together. I understand her pain and I wish things were different, but they are not-I cannot let go of what really happened."
"The last time Jim and I tried to reconcile our differences, he yelled at me, called me names, told me I was a terrible daughter and mother, etc. This is how he communicates. Given our family history of a domineering, authoritarian, and abusive father (which no one else in my family acknowledges or discusses), it makes sense that this is his communication style."
"But that doesn't stop me from feeling re-traumatized every time he tears me down. I don't want to subject myself to that ever again. I have said I won't be attending the celebration. But I am the "bad guy" and am feeling quite depressed at being misunderstood ... again. I think I'm looking for some validation that my boundary is permissible? I'll be working through my family trauma (therapy, re-parenting etc.) for the rest of my life, I suppose, but is there another answer?"
A daughter faces pressure from her mother to attend a 90th birthday dinner despite a six-year estrangement from a brother named Jim. The estrangement follows attempts at reconciliation during which Jim yelled, called names, and accused her of being a terrible daughter and mother. The daughter describes that pattern as rooted in a family history of a domineering, authoritarian, and abusive father. The daughter feels re-traumatized by Jim's attacks, refuses to expose herself to that harm, suggested professional mediation (which was refused), and intends to continue working on family trauma in therapy and re-parenting.
Read at Slate Magazine
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