"When couples first start therapy, they often come in as opposing attorneys. Each has their case, their evidence, and their opening argument: I'm right, and if you'd just see that, we'd be fine. But love doesn't thrive in a courtroom. It thrives in a laboratory-a place of curiosity, open communication, experiment, and discovery. It's the third step in the PACER model of relationships."
"Luis wanted more closeness. "You pull away," he said. "I never know if you want me or just tolerate me." Dana sighed. "You're always asking if I love you. I start to feel smothered." Neither could see that they were both protecting themselves-Luis from rejection and distance, Dana from engulfment. Each thought the other was the problem. In the early sessions, they kept talking at each other. Dana criticized Luis' "neediness." Luis accused Dana of indifference."
Couples often enter therapy defending positions and presenting evidence, which creates adversarial dynamics. Love flourishes through curiosity, open communication, experimentation, and mutual discovery rather than blame. Collaboration allows two views to coexist without surrendering personal truth and encourages partners to create together. Protective behaviors mask underlying needs: one partner may fear rejection and distance while the other fears engulfment. Early interactions can degenerate into criticism and accusations. A collaborative shift happens when partners listen, let each other finish, translate complaints into vulnerable needs, and respond with curiosity and the intention to connect.
Read at Psychology Today
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