"She confessed that she can't stand my "snoring," though she's never mentioned it before. She tries to say that "it's not my fault," but if she didn't blame me, why the secrecy? She never said anything, just went behind my back, thinking I wouldn't notice. I said that now I don't know what else she resents and judges me for, since even sleeping next to me is unbearable for her."
"Ah, a marriage between two people who want to avoid hurting or bothering each other. Your letter was refreshing to read! I want to take a moment to appreciate the feelings underlying this alleged crisis (spoiler: It's not actually a crisis): Your wife didn't want to make you feel self-conscious or bad about something that was not your fault. Do you know how rare that is, at least in the context of letters to an advice column?"
A husband discovered his wife wears earplugs at night because she cannot tolerate his snoring and felt betrayed upon learning she had kept it secret. The wife kept quiet to avoid making him feel self-conscious or guilty about something beyond his control. The reaction includes humiliation, mistrust, and anxiety about other possible hidden grievances. The responder notes many partners react with anger, whereas the wife's choice to use earplugs avoided conflict. The situation calls for calm communication, reassurance about intentions, and practical solutions for snoring rather than assuming malice or widespread deception.
Read at Slate Magazine
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