From "What's Wrong With Them?" to "What Happened to Them?"

"It's an understandable reaction, but it closes the door to true understanding. If we are actively practicing humility, we may want to ask a different question, such as: "What happened to you?" This is not to suggest that harmful behavior be excused. Instead, pondering this question helps us identify the potential root of an individual's behavior, opening ourselves up to greater empathy and possible improvements in the relationship."

"Humility includes firm boundaries; compassion doesn't require tolerating harmful behavior. If patterns become controlling or unsafe, recognize it as abuse and prioritize your safety. When we interact with someone whose behavior feels abrasive, dismissive, or chronically negative, our instinct is often to ask, "What's wrong with you?" It's an understandable reaction, but it closes the door to true understanding. If we are actively practicing humility, we may want to ask a different question, such as: "What happened to you?""

Shifting the question from "What's wrong with you?" to "What happened to you?" fosters empathy by prompting consideration of unseen stressors, traumas, and insecurities behind difficult behavior. Acknowledging the limits of one’s perspective enables recognition that behavior often stems from fear or past wounds rather than personal attacks. Humility supports setting and enforcing firm boundaries; compassion does not require tolerating harmful conduct. Recognize when patterns become controlling or unsafe and treat them as abuse, prioritizing personal safety and exiting relationships that remain harmful despite empathy and boundaries.

Read at Psychology Today