"I have been friends with two people for 45 years and 30 years, respectively, and we go away together at least twice a year. However, I prefer going away with one friend more than the other friend, and sometimes the two of us do go away on our own and say nothing to the third. I realize if our other friend found out, she would be very hurt,"
"The other option, of course, is to tell your friend in advance that you're going away with the other friend. This replaces placating with directly communicating out of respect for your longstanding relationship. You don't need to make it about her self-centeredness (although if that's getting in the way of the friendship, you might find another way of addressing it.) Instead, frame it as a choice you're making. Yes, this may still involve hurt feelings, but the risk of being misunderstood lessens."
Two longtime friends vacation together but one prefers trips with a particular friend and sometimes excludes the third without telling her, causing secrecy and stress. Secret vacations risk hurting the excluded friend and may disrupt the friendship. Options include continuing covert trips while accepting personal discomfort or ceasing them to avoid discovery. A recommended option is to tell the excluded friend in advance, replacing placation with direct communication out of respect for the relationship. Avoid making the explanation about perceived self-centeredness; instead present the decision as a choice. Honest communication may still cause hurt feelings but reduces the chance of misunderstanding.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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