Asking Eric: Should I keep giving the kids $50 like my mother used to do?

"See if you can release yourself from trying to manage anyone else's feelings but your own. Remember that a gift, more than anything else, is a symbol of one's well-wishes, one's hopes for the recipient, and one's love. How it's received is out of your control. This is a good thing, because it means that you're not responsible for how the grandchildren feel about the gift. It also means that if the act of giving doesn't have the desired impact on them or on you,"

"Thank you is not a phrase that has been lost to time. We don't need archaeologists to re-discover thank-you notes, much evidence to the contrary. We don't give in order to receive thanks, but gifts should be acknowledged. Gifts and thank-you notes aren't debts that are owed, they're both forms of communication, which is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship."

Gifts serve as symbols of well-wishes, hopes, and love, and recipients' responses are beyond the giver's control. A giver should not feel responsible for managing others' emotions and can re-evaluate the practice without guilt if it fails to bring the desired impact. Thank-you acknowledgments remain meaningful because gifts and thank-you notes function as communication that sustains healthy relationships. If the tradition primarily honors the mother's memory and provides personal satisfaction, continuing is reasonable. Alternative rituals or adjustments can honor the mother while reducing expense or emotional burden and preserving personal peace.

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