Sue and her neighbor have been close for more than 50 years, sharing social groups, family occasions, and long-standing friendship roles. Sue's husband died after a short illness, and the neighbor repeatedly reached out, offering listening and invitations that were declined. Sue has relied on nearby neighbors and sometimes told the neighbor "you don't know what it's like," creating distance. Grief is isolating and can split experience between those who have suffered a similar loss and those who have not. The neighbor should continue offering presence without pressure, communicate feelings honestly, respect boundaries, and accept the relationship may change.
One of the things that makes this so hard is that both you and Sue are hurting but you're hurting in different ways and for different reasons. Those differences have made it difficult for you to align, but it's not impossible. It sounds like, when Sue told you that you don't know what it's like, she was attempting to communicate something very complex. And while it may not have seemed like it at the time, I think it was her attempt to let you in.
Dear Eric: Sue and I have been neighbors and friends for more than 50 years. She is godmother to one of our children, and we are members of social groups together, like book club and bridge group. We have shared many occasions together, at the holidays and with our families. A couple of years ago her husband (and our friend) died after a short illness. After the funeral, I called her many times, let her talk and asked her out for lunch.
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