"From my read, your first conversation ought to be with James and Jon. That's the friendship you're trying to salvage, and continuing to pull Paulo into the mix isn't going to accomplish that. James and Jon may be influenced by Paulo, but they're also independent people who can make their own choices. If they don't agree with something you did or have a negative feeling about you based on something Paulo said, the best way to address it is with them directly."
"Try having an open conversation, free from defensiveness. Use I statements. I am sad that you're choosing not to continue our friendship. I respect the choice you've made but I would appreciate the chance to clear the air and make amends. Ask them what their issues are, and what they feel the issues in your friendship are. They may not be interested in fixing the friendship right now. You may need to accept that, too."
Prioritize speaking with James and Jon to attempt reconciliation, because that is the relationship to salvage. Do not start by confronting Paulo, since involving him further will not help repair those friendships. Recognize that James and Jon may have been influenced but retain independent agency and can express grievances directly. Approach them with an open, nondefensive conversation using I-statements, offer to clear the air, and ask what specific issues they perceive. Accept the possibility that they may not want to repair the friendship now. Reevaluate the relationship with Paulo, determine what is desired, and accept that the friendship with Paulo may have run its course.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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