"When the idea of someone has taken up free residence in your head, it's time to start charging rent. What does that mean in practice? Make the idea of her/your first marriage earn its place. Right now, it's living rent-free because it's asking you questions you seemingly can't answer what could have happened, what went wrong, what if, why, et cetera. You can start asking the idea of her questions back. Why are you here? What do you have to teach me?"
"Instead, try a form of acceptance, or even a mindful approach when memories come flooding back. Acknowledge that this is a part of your story and it's part of what got you to the place you are today. Affirm for yourself that the past and the present aren't in competition. Thank the memory for the part it played in getting you to your present. And then release it."
A brief starter marriage ended because of incompatibility and infidelity, and years later a chance update about the ex-wife rekindles memories. The recommended approach is to 'charge rent' for intrusive recollections by making them earn their place through active questioning about purpose and lessons. Resisting the thoughts only strengthens them, so acceptance and mindful acknowledgement are advised. Recognize the memory as part of personal history that contributed to current life, affirm that past and present are not rivals, thank the memory for its role, and then release it.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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