"But recently, I've started recognizing this pattern in others too; those quiet mediators who spent their childhoods smoothing over family tensions, and who still carry that exhausting burden today. You know the type: They're the ones who instinctively change the subject when conversation gets heated, they remember exactly which topics to avoid at family dinners, and they've perfected the art of the diplomatic response, even when they're screaming inside."
"This constant need to apologize often starts in childhood when you learned that taking blame could defuse tension faster than arguing about who was actually responsible. I noticed this pattern in myself after reading Rudá Iandê's new book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life. His insight that "Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours" hit me like a ton of bricks."
Someone who acted as a family peacemaker learned to smooth conflicts, defuse tension, and prioritize others' moods from childhood. That person frequently apologizes for things they did not cause and silences or redirects topics to avoid escalation. They develop an ability to read a room, anticipate emotional shifts, and deliver diplomatic responses while suppressing their own reactions. Internalizing responsibility for others' happiness becomes exhausting and leads to chronic emotional labor. Breaking the habit of taking blame feels like violating an unspoken family agreement. Recognizing these patterns can prompt reevaluation of boundaries and more intentional self-care.
Read at Silicon Canals
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